“ETO NGA PALA ANG SINAYANG KO”

Sa unang lalaking nagpatibok ng aking puso,  para sa’yo ‘to.

Kamusta ka?  Tingin ko masaya ka na ngayon.  Balita ko may sarili ka nang pamilya. May magandang asawa at isang cute na anak na babae. Wala akong gaanong impormasyon tungkol sa’yo dahil nga matagal mo na akong binlock sa Facebook.

Alam ko. Oo.  Ang pinto mo para sa akin ay matagal nang sarado at nakakandando mga siyam (9) na taon na nakararaan.

Minsan habang nag eexplore ako sa FB,  hindi ko sinasadyang mahanap ang account mo sa isang mutual friend. Doon,  nakita ko ang masayang buhay mo ngayon.

Sa totoo lang,  I felt bittersweet.

“Eto nga pala yung sinayang ko,” bulong ko sa sarili ko.

Ang funny noh?

Kung hindi lang ako naging duwag noon,  siguro.. Siguro may chance pa tayo.  Siguro…

Kapag inaalala ko ang ilang bagay tungkol sa’yo, hindi ko mapigilang mamiss ka.  Yung ngiti mo.  Yung mga titig mo. Yung boses mo.  Lalo na yung mga mapupungay mong mata.

Wag kang mag-alala.  Nakamove on na rin naman ako. Tanggap ko naman na ang katotohanan na malabo nang maging tayo. Tanggap ko na na ang kaligayahan mo ay hindi sa piling ko.

Ngunit ayoko rin namang lokohin ang sarili ko.  Oo,  minsan naiisip pa rin kita.  Minsan, hindi ko sinasadyang mamiss ka.  Alam ko namang hanggang iling na lang ako ngayon,  dahil masaya ka na kung nasan ka man ngayon.

Siguro kung sakaling mabasa mo ito, malamang tatawanan mo lang din ako. Well, ganoon talaga ang buhay.

Ngunit kung sakaling magkita man muli tayong dalawa nang personal,  sana ay..  Sana sa panahong yun ay napatawad mo na ko. Sana.. Sana maging magkaibigan man lang tayo sakaling dumating ang oras na yun. Sana..

Maingat ka palagi.

Hanggang sa muli.

“Mahal,  patawad,
kung mahal pa rin kita..”
-“Ang Iwasan” by Moira Dela Torre

What If’s

Drawn by sparklingpinktiara

Sometimes, it’s kinda scary to visualize the possibility of us in the future. This fear inside me keeps on reminding me of my past heartaches. The men I have fallen in love with before, I had tried to see them in my future, yet they ended up in someone else’s arms. The first one has his own family now, and the second one is currently “happy and growing” in his relationship with his “future wife” (as he proudly calls her)–investing and preparing for their future.

I bled enough that it pushed me to build higher, thicker walls to finally protect my heart, I guess. I’ve had enough of being left hung in the midair, resulting the fear I’m talking about. Yet in spite of this, I wonder, why is that there’s still a small voice somewhere within me that whispers,

“What if there’s really a possibility of you and me in the future? What if this time it will be different? What if you’re finally the one I’m praying for?”

Should I trust this voice? Should I stop building such walls? Should I take the risk of getting hurt again? Should I let this heart love again? This time with you?

But what if you are already pursuing someone else? What if the things I have and am observing–from the first time our paths crossed (literally, last Oct. 8, 2017 if I’m not mistaken–your eyes locked to mine while we passed each other) to the time you smiled at me so sweetly (upclose pa un, Gosh!), and etc…are just part of my wildest imaginations?

Should I stop? Or should I trust the voice and open the door of my heart to you? Dear, I’m scared. I don’t know which to believe. Should I expect something more from you? Or should I stop now while it’s early?

I’m scared that what if I choose to drive you away, and eventually I’ll learn that you really have something for me, another “Sayang” na naman. Another “sana ganito..sana ganyan..” Nakakatakot lang.

For now, dear, please don’t trigger the “marupok” side of me. Or else, I’ll totally fall for you. If you really have something for me, just tell me right away to make it clear. But if it’s the other way around, then please leave me alone. Please don’t waste my time. Please don’t send mixed signals. Please don’t awaken the “assumera” spirit in me. Please. Just please.

But if, only if, you really have a thing for me and if God allows it, please do not give up on pursuing me. Even if it would take years, please do not give up. Kahit pa makita mo ang darkest side ko, please don’t give up on me. Please.

And that would be all for now, dear. Thank you for your time.

Til my next entry.

I..I will be praying for you.

Love,

sparklingpinktiara